The following is the contents of a memo recovered from the files of an as yet unspecified trickster God:
DATE: February 17, 2011
FROM: [Redacted]
TO: [Redacted]
RE: Warren-Freemantle Family Move
A depiction of Eris, this project's patron (Depiction of "Eris" by Zim Poseidon, at Flickr)
I am [Redacted], and as you know, I have been assigned a project under Eris’ direction, and will therefore be reporting to you. My principle focus and experience has been part of the subgroup called the Cabal of the Five Inflatable Mooseheads.
Don’t let the title fool you, though. Their sect is dedicated to mischief most mundane and I want to assure you that I can get the job done. As you know, the Warren-Freemantle family is on the verge of beginning their move from an apartment to a house. Stage one begins tomorrow. Here are the list of all events planned for that period.
Stage One
- Friday will find Matt cleaning and packing his office. I’ve doubled the amount of dust present during this period. In the evening, I will ratchet up the subconscious tension about the following day’s move.
- Saturday will find the whole family packing things up further. They will obtain their U-Haul rental and start packing in the evening. They have also obtained the assistance of brother Kyle, making it difficult for me to negatively affect their productivity. But, no matter. I’ve decided to go the false hope route. By allowing stage one to progress smoothly, my subsequent actions will hurt them all the more.
- Sadly, Sunday’s weather patterns are not condusive for nudging toward any extremes. As a result, they will successfully unpack the rental and even fit in a second, quick trip. The fine print will kill them, though. That “cheap” U-Haul will cost over four times what they initially thought.
Stage Two
This stage is dedicated to the stalling of the move process.
- First, beginning with Matt, on Monday I’ll cause the onset of a sinus infection, but mask it with body and head aches. He’ll have to call in sick, thinking it’s just a minor setback. He will hope to work from home, but this will fail.
- By the early morning of Tuesday, the pain will be catastrophic. The pain will deny him sleep, but his ignorant pride will mean that rather than having going to the doctor the previous day, he’ll end up paying for an Emergency Room visit at 3:30AM. Sadly, I will be unable to conjure added wait time, as VMMC’s ER department is a well- oiled machine. He will miss more work.
- The following day, his son will become sick, too. That, along with his wife’s medical procedure, will put them well behind schedule in order to complete their move out by Thursday. Knowing they are far behind, they will re-schedule the final move for the following Thursday.
- Matt will work from home or brave the bus as his health fluctuates. At work, the temperature will be unnaturally high, in response to the cold outside. This will affect his productivity.
- By Saturday, the family will hope to have packed as much of the remaining items as they can. They will assume that, by the following Thursday, they will be completed, but their various sickness will persist for as long as possible in order to increase lethargy and difficulty.
Stage Three
With the cooperation of an anonymous sect of Discordians, the irritants will turn in a different direction.
- The Sunday following, a plague of frogs will spawn inside the house. Most of the day’s effort will be spent clearing the apartment and subsequently annoying all their neighbors, who will wonder what kind of sickos the family is to house so many frogs. Many of them will die in the snow, as the temperature will have continued it’s suspicious decline. The kids in the complex will resort to frozen-frog fighting.
- On Monday, exhausted by the previous day’s frog situation, Matt’s son will have a relapse. However, rather than being a mere bug or the flu, he will be afflicted with plaid. His skin tone and pallor will be plaid. Everything he touches will be momentarily plaid. Anticipating your concerns, though, do not be worried. Only Matt and his wife will perceive this event. Anyone else they reveal it to will think them insane. There will be no full breaches of cosm-wide norms during this event.
- After that, in the days leading up to Thursday, I’ve advised the Discordians to be creative. They have discussed the possibility of a super-ball hailstorm, the use of a lion, or even the employ of a half-manatee internet installation technician. Nothing is off-limits provided it is a locally contained, sub-reality event that conforms to [REDACTED] norms.
In Closing
I will provide a thorough report at the conclusion of this family’s move. Rest assured that they will surely remember this experience. It will live alongside memories of their wedding, and other important family milestones.
And that’s why I haven’t been writing anything lately.
