Don’t you believe in them? I do. The government is involved in a massive Unicorn cover-up. It’s just like with the Black Helicopters. They’ve covered it up, too. Black Helicopters don’t want you to know The Truth About Unicorns.
By the way, if you don’t believe in them, then they won’t reveal themselves. That’s how magic works. Don’t you know anything? It’s like how angels get their wings every time someone drops a shoehorn on a bell that startles the cat the breaks the vase that spills the water that pours on the electric switch box that burns the house to the ground. That it doesn’t happen nearly often enough is what led to the angel shortage of 2011.
And while I’m waiting for congress to do something about it, let me warn you about an awful beetle. He doesn’t want you to know the truth, either. He exists merely to pour cold water on all the truths that I know, in my heart, are correct.
