Gosh! Another game with space marines! Sign me up!
I’m sick of mesomorph space marines and their faux witty banter. Lone adolescent adventurers can walk off a cliff, too. We get it: he’s royalty. They all are. When every hillock is lousy with Chosen Ones, it’s not a twist.
This irritation includes mechs too, especially if they can skate. The world is not a roller-rink, and today isn’t seventies night. Also, we’re not couples-skating. If you’re going to bore players with Yet Another Mech knockoff, come up with a better gimmick.
The less said about zombies, the better. They’re (un)dead to me.
I’m not a hipster, I swear
I’ll stomach the bad writing. I’ll quietly skip the even worse voice acting. These are video games. After all, and only 0.28% of all videogames have profesional grade writing and acting. I just heard that Valve released a little game. That should cover the quota for 2011.
Even so, Some clichés get a pass. Mario fails to annoy me because there’s just enough innovation in the things for me to care. Or, I’m stupidly sentimental. I don’t know which. Fortunately, the indie scene is the best place to find quirky and original ideas. Even when they stumble, they’re experimenting.
We call it casual, like that means anything, but time matters. Virtually every coin-op game I enjoyed during the 1980′s was, by today’s standards, casual. When you have to ride a bike two miles to play Super Mario Bros, it’s a kind of retro Wii Fit.
Cool, weird stuff
All these great new games: Sword and Sworcery, Tiny Birds, Unpleasant Horse… they’re great. I could waste a day just making a list of the many oddities lurking on the web. But, many odd weird ideas are still unmined. And they must be made. They haunt my dreams. I’m dying for them.
So here I am: willing to die. How’s that for commitment.
Figuratively, of course. Otherwise, I couldn’t afford more than one game. But if it takes a strategic death to get one of these done, than that’s life. Or death. Anyway, here are three ideas:
Post Office Tycoon
Simulation
Process mail in this isometric building game a la The Sims. Schedule sick time! Moonlight as a therapist and pinpoint which of your workers is likely to snap and go on a rampage! Whether it’s handling a petition for a new wheelchair ramp, having meetings to determine where a wheelchair ramp should go, or installing your very own wheelchair ramp, no facet of post office facilities management will be left unvisited.
After you’ve built things up, choose disaster mode! Institute break time and remove 90% of the desk attendants from use. Accelerate the consumer complaints or release a clutch of elderly women desperate for the latest commemorative stamp. Let Uwe Boll adapt this.
Adblocker eXtreme!
Tactical Strategy
You are a dutiful middle aged son and your quest is to vanquish the spyware on dad’s PC. He went on the internets just this morning and saved off a website and then everything started “moving slow.” Install anti-spyware apps! Defrag the hard drive! And do it all while avoid helping mom in the kitchen or getting sucked into one of dad’s rambling stories.
You’ll carefully plan your time, maneuvering between rooms, careful to avoid conversation traps, and getting done with enough time to avoid the dreaded Dinner time-sink. You must avoid the story about Cousin Susan and the fire ants. The eventual arrival of your deadbeat brother keeps the action moving. He always needs cash, so it’s best to be done quickly.
The Legend of Poultry
Action-Adventure
For too long, you’ve taken abuse from armies of little fairy boys. They stroll in, trash the place, steal from poor farmers, and beat up on anything they can find. His green felt outfit is destined to run red, and he’s not alone. All those fantasy fools have been beating on you and your kind for far too long.
Explore to gain power-ups! Peck at birdseed! Molt! Do whatever it takes, including wrangling the less intelligent of your kind into a strategic assault. There won’t be any of this Hey! Listen! junk, either, because that pixie is living in a sack in a box in the local bay. Inspired by the classic adventure games of your youth, such as Lemmings and Mortal Kombat, the humble chicken is humble no more. It’s out for revenge in a world it never made. And so on.
Have any others to add to the list? I’d love to read them. And, admit it, you’d love to write them.
